Can I just say, I’ve been skinny for all of my life. I didn’t know it was a problem until people pointed it out to me. “Your legs are twiggy,” or the classic, when I’d sit on my friend’s lap (girls did this all the time in school by the way), “Your bum is bony.” I remember going over to my friend’s house, and her mum actually begged me to stop starving myself. Hun, I can eat you under the table. *laughs in past pain*.
Honestly, I just got on with life until year 10/11 where everyone was concerned with their physical appearance – or at least I was. You know that TikTok of people mentioning ways in which they’d lost their minds for someone, here’s how I lost my mind for my image: It was own clothes day. My and my friends went to particular friend’s house before school, to do God knows what, and they kept looking at me. They said I looked thicker which made my head big. I was feeling myself. The more we were hanging out, the more they realised that something was wrong. After poking my legs and thighs, my friends realised I was wearing FOUR PAIRS OF LEGGINGS. FOUR. It was summer/spring, and I wore 4 pairs of leggings to look thick.
Sidenote: when people say skinny people have no “issues” in comparison to curvier people it’s a lie. One struggle isn’t necessarily greater than the other. One thing I will say is, in an African household, you’re encouraged to be bigger. If you’re skinny, you’re asked why you don’t eat. But it’s really mad because no matter how much I’d eat, due to a quick metabolic rate, I’d never put on weight.
I really didn’t realise that all of these remarks affected me until I got my second ever job, when I was 16, at a Tesco distribution centre. A warehouse. When I had my interview, I saw men everywhere - big men. When I went in for my interview, although it was a good one, I remember thinking that they’d think I’m too little to do the job. I ended up getting the job, so I guess I didn’t hold on to the feeling too long.
Then, during my first year at university I worked at a sports shop. Let me tell how skinny I was. My previous manager asked me to put on a pair of size 6 joggers (the smallest UK adult size at the time). I was drowning in those bottoms, drowning. He even gave me aged 14-16 joggers which I also got lost in, you couldn’t see my feet. Again, I just got on with things.
Before I graduated, I started gym-ing a little because my boyfriend told me I could gain some weight there. I really went from 45kg to xx(mind your business)kg. But 45kg hun! I couldn’t even post my grad pics because my belly was mad. (At a wedding, my cousin asked if I was pregnant). So, I was just in limbo because, how can I be too skinny one second and rotund the next.
OK so, how did it affect me in the workplace?
Anyway, my first job after graduating, my role basically included liaising with the council and tenants on one hand and, essentially telling internal and external contractors what to do. I managed myself and was responsible for others. Little Oyin was telling men with kids, men with wives, men 35years + what to do. Imposters syndrome kicked in!! For a lot of my time there, I was asking myself who I thought I was, telling these men what to. I was also fighting myself because I’d obviously earned the position, it’s what I was being paid to do. One night, after I’d finished work, a colleague I managed offered to drop me home. During the journey he said, and I quote, “I don’t take orders from you, I take orders from our boss.” If I was mad… never mind. This affirmed all the negative feelings I had about how I was being perceived.
It really hit me because I had let it, it could have had a negative effect on my ability to do my job.
P.s. I know he was just mad that my petite self was making more than him.
Not only am I looking after myself now, mentally and physically, I’ve had to approach the workplace as a hench white man - someone who demands respect.
Anyway, thank God I haven't seen my colleagues face-to-face in my current job. Thank God for working from home.
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